Lonely mornings spent in BH Elementary cafeteria as a newbie 3rd grader possessed great scarring potential. And if not for my brother, who wasn't near as cool back then, playing paper football with me, I might never have seen the woman who would be the first of only a few to truly capture my heart. It was love at first sight!
She strutted and swayed like a runway model through the cafeteria every morning as I reluctantly stole quick gazes until she passed and I could feast my eyes on her, capturing the images I would eventually fall asleep thinking and hoping to dream of and inevitably wake to. She embodied beauty and one day she would be mine!
Time seemed to eek by and I eventually and painstakingly endured the rigors of 3rd and 4th grade. Finally, my time had come to be in HER class. Over the course of the next year I learned how to love a woman as I discovered gifting, party planning, sweet talk, and other performance oriented tasks of lesser degrees that seemed to add up over time. I absolutely loved playing Nation Ball when she was monitering our court. I felt in my heart she wanted to watch me play as well because I was too naive to believe my feelings weren't reciprocated in her dreams at night. I would jump higher, throw harder and run faster when her eyes were on me. I must admit, though, that every once in awhile I would get out on purpose so I could stand next to her and infiltrate her mind with Palzo-propaganda (especially on Fridays when I knew I would have to persevere through another long weekend without her).
Honestly, she was the first person outside my family(Jamie was and always will be family) to really get me. She understood things about my personality I was still trying to figure out and she fanned the flames of my imagination and competitiveness giving me outlets I much needed at the time and didn't even know it. She was tough and I loved her for it. I love her for it still.
That year I grew up a little and found myself doing things and feeling ways I never thought possible. I even cheared for Trinity to win over Bell because I knew it would make her happy. I guess I could write about 5th grade escapades all night long, but I will move on to today.
I witnessed her lose a nephew, two husbands; one to divorce(freakin idiot) and another(one of my heroes)to cancer. She's experienced the unbias cruelty of disease in her own body a well as her daughters and she, with no surprise from me, stared down death and fought. I know thoughts of Ray consume her and wishes of one more embrace haunt her still. Noone will ever fill that void, yet she continues in her faith to press on and impact others with a willing heart and sweet spirit. She must understand prayer and the counsel of the Spirit in ways I hope I never will. Her name is Sue and I will never forget the impact she had and will continue to have on my life. I love her and know of her love for me as I see it in her eyes before and after our hugs that never seem to last long enough. There's so much more...
My hope and appeal is that you guys would write about someone that is not a family member, yet has impacted you in agreat way; someone from your past that we, as friends, may not be familiar with. I hope you give them your best and I can't wait to hear about the special people who impacted you.
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11 comments:
paul, wow - i find myself wanting you to expand on "so much more" - thanks for sharing - i need to chew on this one-
I love this one Palzo! I have always loved listening to you speak, but I also love your voice in writing. Most ppl are good at one or the other, but you are great at both! I'm in the process of writing mine...but I want to give them my best as you put it....
Ok. I am sure that everyone feels the same way I do in that "I just don't want to follow this post." Everyday I quickly check the blog, specifically this post, to see who has responded because I don't want the lack of response to signify to you, Palzo, that we aren't moved by your words, thought it was cheesy, or just plain don't care too much for this topic. As, I will step out and boldly speak for all of us here that its actually the opposite. As I know we all have people in our lives that have affected us in such profound ways that just the mere thought of what life could have been like without their influence, love and guidance is so gut wrenching that we don't let our minds go there. Not to mention the enormous pressure of "giving them our best" and the daunting task of trying to follow up Paul's initial post. Gee, after reading it just a few hours after you posted it, I am still moved by how eloquently you put into words what each of our hearts want the special people in our lives to know. So, with that said, please know, Paul, that those are the reasons for the lack of response. I have resolved that while I cannot come close to writing everything I want about my special person and I am not sure that my best would ever be good enough (in my eyes anyway), I at least want to throw it out there to the world (Ok, to the Palzo group of friends) that there is an angel amoung us ... one of God's own, that I believe with every ounce of my being was sent down to bring nothing but light into this world, and I have had the honor of knowing, loving and being loved by her in ways I'm not sure my own heart has even realized just yet. Here is my love story with Grandma Walker (and no, she is not related to me at all. That is the name she chooses to go by and has for many years)...
If it makes a difference, I struggle with inadequacy in several areas and understand your plight quite well. As hard as I try sometimes in this blog to be honest and real because I want to know others in that way, it's difficult to pull the trigger sometimes. I hate that, but I want you to know, Crystal, I , along with others you don't even know, have thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated your words and willingness to be vulnerable.
Every word from every person who has posted is one more word we wouldn't have heard if not for your idea of creating this blog. This thing has been a real blessing to many and the only way for it to continue is if people are willing to put it out there and you have been the greatest role model for that thus far. So thank you and please tell us more about Grandma Walker and whatever else you're willing to share.
Ok. Deep Breath. Exhale ...
Margaret Lynn, better known, or should I say ONLY known, as Grandma or Maw-Maw, is the angel I was referring to in my previous post. In fact, it was many years after our love affair began that I learned her birth name, but this doesn't mean we didn't know each other well. In fact, I knew her by her God-given name, which holds much more weight with me. Just as Abraham, Jacob, Sarah, and Peter all had their names changed by our Almighty God (well Peter's by Jesus, but you get my point) which signified their purpose in God's plan, Grandma's name, I believe, signifies her calling and fulfillment of His purpose for her in His plan as well. You see, the name Grandma has so much meaning that it crosses cultural barriers and has a universal meaning for people that reaks with unconditional love. Grandma is very different than Mother or sister or aunt, Grandma is that one person in your life that not only loves you unconditionally, but she can't even help it because she can't even see your flaws, your weaknesses, those places you often fall short/miss the mark. No, Grandma can't see your sin. You never have to fear looking in her eyes and seeing disappointment, instead, when your flesh has reared its ugly face once again, you can fall into her embrace(which is always way more powerful than her muscleless arms with frail bones and aged skin lead on) and feel so overwhelmed with love; honest, pure, unconditional love that you feel at peace. Sound familar? For me, this familiarity hits home because it is exactly the same feeling I recieve when our Lord wraps me in His arms and holds me tight. I melt in His peace and experience a love that overwhelms me.
Grandma Walker has spent a lifetime doing God's work.
Have you ever met anyone that was in this world, yeah, but there was so much about them that seemed out of this world as well. This is why I say Grandma is a living angel. I have thought much about her over the years, this last year inparticular, wanting to figure out why God would send a perfect angel to live here on Earth amidst so much darkness and everyday He gives me a new and perfect answer. Grandma is called Grandma because that is what she is to everyone. She offers so much light into the world that she can't even see the darkness that surrounds her or the darkness within those she meets. Just as any Grandma does, she attracts children like a magnet and I truly believe that this is her soul's source of energy. Children posses so much of God's light. Light attracts light, and I visibly see this happen when I am in her pressence.
For example, just a few weeks ago, when I was visiting Maw-Maw briefly with Mia Grace (my one year old daughter), I found myself in one of those unescapable moments, like we've talked about, where God just spoke to my heart so profoundly through her. I got to see light attract light manifest with my daughter and Grandma. Maw-Maw suffers from Alzheimers now and I'm not sure she knows who I am anymore though you would never know, heck, I don't even know most of the time. I know that sounds crazy, but that is truly the kind of remarkable I am talking about. I know deep deep deep down that if I were to ask her, "Grandma, who am I? What is my name?" she probably would not give my name as an answer. But I don't have to know that she knows me by name still because she still makes me feel like I am the most precious thing she has ever laid eyes. It's like her eyes pierce through me right into my soul and she only sees the place where my spirit and the spirit of the Lord reside in communion. She only sees that perfection in me through Him. With one look she gives me hope that deep inside me there still resides the perfect initial creation I was meant to be. That is the kind of known that doesn't need to know my earthly name. That day I watched what I have always felt but could not express into words manifest when my Aunt Helen, (Grandma's daughter, so again, not at all related to me), picked up Mia Grace close by Grandma's chair. I heard Grandma ask Helen in her beautiful soft voice, as I walked away, "Is she ours Auntie?" and my Aunt Helen, replied, "Yes she sure is Maw-Maw," and Grandma sat quietly for a moment and then said, this time in her whisper voice (not a secretive whisper, but more of a prayerful whisper, like she was talking to someone else other than Helen) ... "I knew she was because I could see it in her eyes." At that moment what I had been trying to explain all made sense. I don't think Grandma was talking to "Auntie" at all, I think she was talking to the Lord, validating the light she saw radiating from that baby - my baby girl. I can hear her inner voice validating what she knew to be true "Lord, she is one of us, right? I can see her light - your light beaming through her eyes. She is one of your precious children I just know it..." For those of you with children I don't think I have to say much else.
I know many of you reading are probably wondering about my relationship and story with Grandma and expecting that to be the basis of what I wrote. Grandma has been in my life since I was an infant, where she kept me alone everyday and then my brother from his 3rd day of life until we each started school. After that, we spent summers with her until we were old enough to be at home alone. She called us her own, her adopted grandchildren, and in many ways we were closer to her than her own blood, but then again, she makes everyone feel that way even the first time you meet her. I have so many stories and memories and examples of how she was not only my first example of a godly woman, but my first glimpse at God himself, as her spirit exudes HIM more powerfully than any person I have ever met. Yet, she never read the bible to me (as she cannot read) and never drove me to church (as she has never driven a car). She is the essence of what true ministry is all about. My intention in writing was initially to explain how she has affected my life but as I am sure all of you have experienced, the Lord had different plans and I am grateful the spirit led this post.
Maybe I will post more later about my specific relationship with her and how she has affected me, but for now I just want to leave what I wrote as is. If it doesn't make sense to all of you, at least it was good for my heart and my prayer is that this message will be sent from my spirit to hers tonight.
Paul and Crystal, what beautifully written stories.
A loved teacher and a nurturing Grandma.
I can't wait to read about more Inspirations.
Thank you...I read it in tears knowing how important that was for you.
Thank you Rachel. And yes, you are absolutely right Paul that saying those things was very important for me. I am still awake at 12:45 AM, my mind flooded with thoughts and memories, and my heart gushing with the overwhelming love and admiration for her I hope I portrayed. In fact, because of that expression, I have committed to act on what I have felt led, but was way too intimidated to do for a really long time. Actually there are a few things ...
First, I am going to call or go see my Aunt Helen and tell her NOW that I feel that I should have a role (if not THE role) in giving the Eulogy when Grandma passes. I have had intense dreams where I am speaking at her funeral service along with many other visions, etc. I have pushed this so deep to avoid the thought of having to actually act out that kind of faith. (as I also imagine that I will have to be carried literally and spiritually to even be physically present at the service period) It's pretty much an unbareable thought. Though it seems morbid to voice that now, I just feel I should for whatever reason. Maybe because I know in the midst of facing the hardest thing I might ever face in this life, I wouldn't have the courage.
Secondly, I am going to schedule time to go and sit with her and be in her pressence alone. Since the Alzheimers has really started to manifest, I have avoided facing it. I have no idea what that time will look like but I can imagine I won't be on my death bed thinking I shouldn't have spent that time with her.
And Lastly ... I am committing to start writing about her. Whether its memoirs from my moments with her, questions she will answer, a collection of poems as a tribute, how she specifically affected my life, her life story found through research, or a combination of all. You guessed it. I have also felt led to do this specifically but never had the courage to even start for fear of failure. I have failed at many things in life, but failing at something that involved Grandma would be the worst kind of failure I could face.
Thanks again, for this outlet. This has opened my heart and forced me to be ok with even thinking about her and "going there" if you know what I mean.
I can honestly say that taking the time to sit with Pop, (my grandfather) ask him specific questions and record his life stories on tape was one of the best decisions I ever made. I encourage you, Crystal, to take those steps today. Your kids will appreciate it more than you know and they will be able to share Maw-Maw, her life lessons, her kindness, her heart for Christ and what she meant to you which impacts the ways you mother. What a blessing for your kids to know Grandma and Mom in those ways.
Thanks again and looks like you have some writing to do...
Crys Im brought to tears. I knew as soon as I started reading... that Grandma Walker would be who you would write about. I dont know her the way you do but I have been around her enough to see that she truly has a beautiful and sweet spirit. Thanks so much for sharing and allowing us to hear about someone that means so much to you.
I wish I could say there is just one person, but God has blessed my life with a spiritual family that taught me the true definition of love. My father was very abusive to me and my siblings growing up. I walked into the doors of Milestone Church broken, hurt, and having no clue about God and His unconditional love. I can still remember the first day I attended as if it is happening right now. I was unable to sing because of the tears streaming from my face. I still have no clue what Pastor Jeff’s message was about that day, but it was enough to keep me wanting to come back. My goal was to always go and leave as soon as the service ended, but it never happened that way. Each week there was someone wanting to talk to me, wanting to get to know me, and become my friend. Due to all my hurt and pain I never wanted to let anyone in, but they continued to peruse me. They invited me to lunch, dinner, and birthday parties. They made me one of their friends. Slowly but surely I began to let the walls down in my heart and received Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior. Looking back now it was God all a long loving me through His people. I really wish I could name just one person, but I wouldn’t be able to give them my best. I was truly a team effort. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t thank God for bringing people in my life that are willing to walk through the toughest seasons with me and still love me. My life has been transformed over the last 6 years, and I am eternally grateful for the Grace of God on my life.
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